


The Courting Practices of the typical SOLDIER

by Project0506



Series: Random YOI Silliness [1]
Category: Final Fantasy VII, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Gang's all here - Freeform, Gen, M/M, Viktor is extra, Yuuri Katsuki doesn't actually appear, fusion au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 10:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11667531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506
Summary: (In the spirit of This Army Life, by Nicole on ff.net)In which Viktor is the Extra General, Georgi's love advice comes solely from pre-historic play scripts, Chris mourns a lost coin toss and everyone is smuggling livestock.  For love.





	The Courting Practices of the typical SOLDIER

**Author's Note:**

> When I sat down all I knew was I wanted General Viktoroth wailing into his comm line about how pretty Yuuri is, with Georgi commiserating. The rest just kind of happened. Apparently even in my head, Viktor Nikiforov does what he wants. No Beta, quick crack fic. Enjoy!

They say The General killed his first dragon at age seven. They say he one-shots Behemoths on the regular. They say he's killed a Tonberry, just the one, and since then all the rest flee in terror before his might. They say his sword was forged in Ifrit's flames and cooled in the blood of a Grand Horn. They say only one human has ever even winded him, and that he gallantly cut his hair off to honor the memory of his greatest foe. They say he is more than human, Better, The Greatest, Perfection.

 

They rarely say he's an overdramatic shithead, and Chris thinks either that's a bit of an oversight or the only secret ShinRa's ever managed to keep from the public.

 

“He's just so _pretty_ ,” The Silver General wails, the last word at a high enough register to rip static through ShinRa's state of the art speakers. Somewhere in the distance is a thud and a squeal of something unfortunate being skewered. “Why is he so pretty? It's not _fair_.” For a moment, Chris contemplates reaching over and muting him. He's The Silver General; he'll probably be fine without backup, and Chris's hangover would be grateful.

 

“My friend,” wails The Fearsome Darkness General (100% self-titled). “The fates are cruel-”

 

Chris leans around Phichit and mutes them both. He spares a moment to check if the boy's still alive and is only somewhat reassured by the repeated hissed 'AM SHOOK' followed by manic giggles. He's a brand new Third on his first comms duty rotation. He'll get used to it.

 

“Sir,” calls whichever one of the assorted baby Altins is on base duty. There's a flock of them in the TURKs these days and Chris never bothered to keep them straight. “SOLDIER First Babicheva has just punted SOLDIER Third Plisetsky into a pack of Nibel Wolves.”

 

“Pray for the wolves,” Chris sighs and gestures for Phichit to flip the comms back on. He means to get just Mila's, and maybe Yuri's (whose label on the switchboard is marked 'TAY', which is apparently both an acronym for Tiny Angry Yuri and also an inside joke between Phichit and his roommate.) Instead he gets the whole board he's spent the past three hours systematically redirecting to other stations.

 

SOLDIER First Otabek, the only Altin Chris knows personally simply because he's both SOLDIER and an order of magnitude less terrifying than his hoard of sisters, is apparently trying to wrangle his angry boyfriend, while Firsts Mila and JJ attempt to play volleyball with the blond. There's a trio of thirds all attempting sword cool moves, including apparently a bastardization of Chris' own Apocalypse that kind of makes him want to giggle.

 

And The Silver and Darkness Generals are debating the merits of ambushing sexy SOLDIER Thirds naked in the bath.

 

“It worked on Chris!” Viktor protests. Georgi makes a shrieky noise of disbelief.

 

“My friend your desire is the _gift of the goddess_ , not the _corruption –_ ”

 

“You forget, mon cher,” Chris chimes in before Georgi can launch into an hour long diatribe on the purity of true love or some shit. “That your Yuuri is incredibly shy. And I'm incredibly easy.” He gives Phichit a flirty wink and is satisfied with the wheezing cackles he gets in response.

 

“Sir,” prompts TURK Altin, fingering her stun baton as if she's starting to run out of reasons for restraint. “The wolves.”

 

Right. Chris checks the overhead monitors and spots the identified enemy markers. “Viktor, pack of Nibel wolves on your six. Looks like Yurio's already found them.”

 

“That's not his name,” Otabek mutters, and as usual is ignored.

 

“Do you think my Yuuri would want one?” Viktor asks brightly. His dot on screen is veritably _skipping_ towards the approaching pack. “He likes dogs.”

 

“I WILL KILL THEM ALL,” Yurio shrieks, as if everyone on comms isn't already aware why Otabek stoically smuggled a litter of orphaned rarab kits inside his tunic back from their last mission to Junon. And a pair of jumpings from Icicle Inn. And then went back to Icicle Inn for a trickplay. All that snow, and bitch still got no chill.

 

“Ah Viktor darling, don't you perhaps think taking home a man-eating beast might work against your efforts to tempt Yuuri into your bed?”

 

“Remember the mandragora,” Mila sings, and Chris primly crosses his legs and studiously refuses to be ashamed.

 

“There have been ill-advised incidents in the past,” he allows. “Kenjiro dear you should probably pay more attention to your non-dominant side. You're about to get your cute little butt nibbled on.” SOLDIER Third Minami yelps, more of a squeak really, and there's a dull clonk as if he punched a monster instead of perhaps using his sword. They'll need to train him out of that reaction. Chris sighs and swaps to single channel. “JJ.”

 

“Haha the King is on it!” the ineffable First cheers and bounds off to impress the struggling Third. Ahh, youthful vigor. Next time, coin toss or no coin toss, Georgi stays behind on comms: Chris desperately needs to Fire3 something. Phichit helpfully flips comms back to open line in time to catch Viktor humming Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.

 

Christophe Giacometti is incredibly self-aware: he knows this is a battle he has already lost. He tries anyway. “Yakov hardly has any hair left to lose darling and we're still on notice from the thing with the train. And Yuuri would hardly be allowed to keep pets in the dorms.” Everyone politely does not mention the 'imaginary' trio of miniature boatfloats Yuuri and Phichit currently co-parent. “Perhaps start with something smaller? And inanimate?”

 

“I'm going to call her Yucchin!” Out of habit, Chris double checks to ensure Viktor's comm is still on. It is. Figures.

 

“Viktor –”

 

“Incoming from Crispino,” Phichit reports, though he doesn't have to sound so thrilled about it. “Asking us to confirm-slash-justify field request for size upgrade from a B1-Alpha to B1-Beta for return transport.

 

“Confirmed,” Chris surrenders.

 

“For love!” Viktor sings.

 

“I'm just going to tell her conservationism.”

 

Chris pats Phichit's chair. “You'll go far.”

 


End file.
